Chris Wildeboer – Detachment part 3 of 5

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Presenter: Katherine
Guest: Chris Wilderboer
Guest Bio: Chris Wildeboer is the founder of Balance Central and has been working in the Wellness Industry for over 15 years – today she is one of the highest qualified Qld practitioners currently working in her field.

Chris was a Kinesiologist and from there she discovered many other techniques but the one that she has been using now for 14 plus years is R.A.W. (Rekindled Ancient Wisdom).

Segment Overview
Chris joins us to talk about her book Balance Central in a 5 segment special.

 


Transcription

Health Professional Radio

Katherine Lodge: Thanks for joining us at Health Professional Radio. I’m Katherine and we’ve been talking to Chris Wildeboer about her book “Balance Central” in a five segment special. We’ve already covered topics of “Boundaries” and “Responding” and in this segment we will be talking about “Detachment.” Now Chris, Hi.

Chris Wildeboer: Hi Katherine.

K: Hi. Now “Detachment” is maybe it has some negative connotations to it, but not necessarily. Can you explain to us about this chapter and what do you mean about ‘detachment?’

C: Absolutely. I know what you mean by the negative connotation because we feel sometimes that we have to, if we detach from something it can feel like it doesn’t mean as much to us.

K: Yeah, lack of emotion or whatever.

C: Yeah, feeling indifferent.

K: Yeah.

C: Yeah, those sorts of things. What I’m suggesting in ‘detachment’ in this context is that we actually detach from the boundaries that we felt overly attached to and also the emotions that we feel overly attached to. So when we have a circumstance happen to us, we often are very attached to the outcome. It could be a conversation we’re gonna have, it could be whether we’re gonna get the new job that we just applied for. And we become attached to the fact that we’re gonna get that job and then when we don’t, we have a meltdown.

K: Right.

C: Or we might be attached to falling pregnant for example, and I know this. And I want to use this one deliberately because it can be quite an emotional place. And I think it’s a good one to use even though it might push some people a little bit.

K: Uh huh.

C: When we’re trying to fall pregnant and I’m speaking from personal experience a couple of times. What happens is that we get attached to the outcomes of that being achieved and the issues and the emotions that happen as a result of say, not being able to fall pregnant as quickly as you’d like creates this mix of emotions that when you go to try and fall pregnant the second time, you’ve got all of those things in play because you’ve attached it in. Because you’ve gone falling pregnant equals “I’m going to fail and it’s not gonna work out for me and I’m goanna be really upset.”

K: Right.

C: And so then when we try to fall pregnant again, we’ve already got those programs happening before we can even try it again. And so we get more attached and more attached and more attached and more devastated. When we can detach from the previous outcome, so let’s say we try to fall pregnant and it doesn’t happen and we go with the idea of so we’re not supposed to be pregnant yet, maybe next month is the way to go. We detach from a little bit, we have a little less care factor, we might still be disappointed but were not so emotionally involved in it that we hang onto it for dear life. And when we go to fall pregnant the second time, it feels easier and it feels like we know that there’s some outcomes that we mightn’t be completely happy with but you know what, we know that we can try it again. So that’s one meaning by detachment, not removing ourselves completely but when we can remove ourselves a little, we get to be an observer of ourselves. So it allows us to just step back, let’s go half a step back and just see what we’re really behaving like in that circumstance. What are the emotions that are going on and let’s deal with those emotions? Now that we see them is the first step in being able to deal with them, and release them.

K: Right.

C: It’s really about “observing” rather than being completely detached from our experience.

K: Right. Thank you so much for sharing that with us Chris and giving us some concrete example so people can you know link with what types of detachment you know especially the job one was a really a good example. I wanted to ask you because I watch some of family and friends and they have young children and especially maybe the mother is very attached to their child as you know, as you would be. But it gets to a point where that child is of school age and they’re still treating that child like a baby. Like literally you know like really cuddled and really and then I can see some behavioral issues flaring up. And I kind of, I mean no one dares tells anyone else about parent you know what I mean? Everyone just keeps quite but you can see that cycle that the reason why that child playing up is because you’re keeping them in a certain… so I guess what I’m trying to say is see a trend with a lot of parents specially in my generation of people becoming parents. They tend to be too attached to their children. They’re very different on maybe how we were brought up by baby boomers. You know baby boomers, double income, all of this stuff. We still have that, but it just seems like a lot of kids are being cuddled right up until almost teenage years. So for people, especially our listeners who are parents who have young children but they still see them as their little babies. What do you think about this and how can people become more not that detached, but objective about their child?

C: Yeah. Look, you’re speaking right to my heart. I have a 15 year old so I’m very aware of being… and she’s an only child which always adds more to the equation. (chuckles)

K: Yeah.

C: So absolutely, as you we’re saying that I could just see myself going through those primary school years and now she’s 15, you know, we just made the decision that she’s old enough to stay at home on her own at night.

K: Right.

C: You know, that’s a massive thing that’s sort of the next progression we’ve moved to where she’s comfortable in it.

K: Right. You can have a heart attack when she starts dating (chuckles.)

C: Oh, we haven’t gone there yet. She’s not, she likes to look at boys but we haven’t had much or so.

K: That’s what she tells you.

Both: (laughing)

C: Denial. No, no. So look, absolutely I’ve totally know what you mean. There’s a couple of things I want to suggest in here is that, isn’t it interesting that as observers of other parents, we don’t feel qualified as a parent ourselves to maybe mention that maybe that kid could you know go off and play in the part with their friend their age, whatever, because our kids can do it. And so maybe there’s an ability for us to step in and actually just make a suggestion not as a “Oh you’re doing this wrong” but letting them see that there’s a different way of doing it because often we get very tunnel vision and unless someone is stronger than us to let us open our eyes a little, we will remain in that tunnel vision. So I think it’s part of there’s a little bit of you know someone might like what you’re gonna suggest but suggest it anyway because you know they might need 10 people to suggest it and then they’ll be better off and so will their kids.

K: Yeah, I think so too. The way you deliver the message helps.

C: Absolutely, suggestion is always a good way rather than, “This is wrong, you should do this.” So the other element that I also wanted to cover here is that and I’m speaking absolutely as a mother. Feeling attached to the child but you know with only five yesterday, I’m sure of it and you know the way the only explanation I can give you on how I effectively allow my daughter to be who she is, is I continually work on me and myself. Because that behavior, that example that you gave in that behavior is that people, they’re running from fear. That’s where their making their choices from and so they would have a lot of fears running in their own self. So for them to be better parents, better people, more functioning adults is to look after their own emotional needs…

K: Right.

C: And not surprisingly at all, everyone else around them will suddenly appear to being more emotionally able to deal with the world.

K: Right.

C: And I want just qualify that when we feel, when we see the world thru fear, we see fear. When we see that world thru a more detached space where we can observe things, we just observe.”

K: Right.

C: So what will happen is that others around us become that as well. So if a parent is working in fear and living their life in fear and they automatically reflect that from their child. The child reflects it back to them because that’s all they can see. Then when they move from that fear based energy, suddenly they got a child who is not reflecting fear but a child who’s reflecting responsibility for themselves simply because the parents have started to take responsibility for themselves.

K: Yeah.

C: So the people around us are always a reflection of what we have going on.

K: Yeah. I mean I’m talking about cases here where re you know, we tell that school children like 6, 7, 5 years old and they’re still in nappies and they drink from you know baby bottles and they speak like their speech isn’t developed because of the baby talk and things like that. And I’m like you said, we don’t want to say that that’s wrong because there is no right and wrong in parenting but at certain ages maybe you should be hitting certain milestones or behavioral…

C: Yeah. Kinda, and I get, we have personal boundaries. And you know I can think of certain ages that I just go, “Oh seriously, that really shouldn’t be happening anymore.” And then I wonder about that and where’s that come from and that’s a boundary placed by somebody else around me that’s gone, well you know. And it’s my boundary as well so I don’t choose it for my child but I can’t choose someone else’s boundary for them.

K: Exactly but when it gets to a point where I think that the parents is actually holding the child back developmentally then that could cause issues along the way…

C: Schooling…

K: Yeah.

C: Yeah look and it’s interesting either the parent’s are gonna come to realization thru a circumstance or the child will when they get to a certain age and they’ll go, “Hang on. That’s kind of weird.” They will come to their own realization. I think what I’ve learned is that people are far more intelligent than we mostly give them credit for.

K: Yes.

C: That they have this realization and sometimes it’s just about someone being able to identify a pattern and then make it start to change. So I work very much with people who do have identified their recurring patterns. So what you’re describing there is an absolutely recurring pattern in that parent, as just in that example you’ve given. That pattern is, “I want to keep my child as young as I can.” I grew up in that environment. I had to call my mother “Mommy” until I was a teenager.

K: Right.

C: Because she wanted to keeps up younger.

K: Right.

C: In some bizarre way protecting us from the real world, I don’t know. I don’t get the logic but because there’s no logic in it but that’s a pattern of keeping the child younger than their actual years. That would be a pattern that would be very strong between that parent and child. And that’s simply an energy that’s been established and that can be worked on. There are, the technique I use absolutely works from something like that and it allows the parent to detach and observe what that pattern is.

K: Right, I see.

C: So again, it’s still comes into this detachment or observing capacity. But it is, look, what you described is a really tough one, to get people across the line because it is so emotionally attached and they are so convicted. Like they’re so invested in it that they can’t see it, yeah. And it have to come from them.

K: Yeah, I think so too. And yeah, I do like you said people are pretty intelligent and it just could be a time thing. With time, they will realize you know maybe yeah start it with the nappies eventually and also the bottled milk. And especially the kids are not gonna wanting to be in you know Grade 3 and still be drinking out of the bottle, you know what I mean?

C: My theory always is peer pressure. Peer pressure, as much as it can be negative. Your peers even in adulthood really do help to find what is like a benchmark of what’s okay or what’s not.

K: Yeah.

C: Yeah, and I’ve often to fall to that for my daughter. You know she, I might expect her to be I don’t know wanting to go and ride her bike at the age of 8. She had no interest.

K: Yeah.

C: It was only when her friend at age 12 wanted to ride their bikes everywhere that she kicked in to riding the bike.

K: Yeah.

C: Because her peers were doing it.

K: Yeah, I see. Well thanks so much for giving us all those examples and stories and case studies as well. We’ll be back shortly with the next chapter of “Patience.” Thanks Chris.

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